Forever
by Elf Asato
Summary: After death, Seishirou basically tries to get through to Subaru with his thoughts. [It's my Denial fic. Oh come, you know you wrote one, too.]


**Title**: Forever

**Author**: Elf Asato

**Pairings**: Seishirou/Subaru (I'm a sucker for them!)

**Warnings**: Typical Elffish-angst, shounen-ai, horribly OOC-Seishirou

**Disclaimer**: Tokyo Babylon and all it's delicious insanely cute characters belong to the future rulers of the universe, CLAMP.  Bow down early and you might get a dog biscuit.

**Notes**: This was written in one sitting (whoo!) after a brief period of avoiding working on everything I should.  Currently I'm on a Tokyo Babylon/X kick which will probably rotate back to Gravitation and then to Yami no Matsuei again fairly soon….  This whole thing was written while listening to the Sacred Air Remix version of Sleepless Beauty, if that explains anything.

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Forever By Elf Asato 

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Although I suppose it's only been a couple of weeks, it feels like forever.  I wonder how many forevers it will take until it finally stops?  Quite frankly, time sucks, really.  When you want something to end as soon as possible, it manages to drag out as long as it can.  When you want a moment to last forever, it stops too soon.  I think time flew by too quickly for me.  There were certain moments that I just wanted to last forever and ever…to never die.

Almost all of those moments were with you.

Do you remember that one time we were stuck inside Tokyo Tower and we helped that poor ghost of an actress?  Or rather, you helped her.  I kind of ticked her off.  Regardless, I wanted that night to never end.  Of course, it did so too soon.

I don't suppose you remember going for ice cream a few years ago.  That little pouty look of yours vanished when you tasted it and your eyes shone bright for the first time in a while.  Though, I'm fairly sure you didn't know I was there.  I wouldn't be such an excellent stalker if I gave away my position.  Anyway, I wanted to live in that moment forever.

Forever has to end at some time, though, as long and dragged out as it may be.

I know you hate the thought of me giving you advice.  I know you hate the thought of me anyway, but me giving you advice has got to hurt.

I really never meant to hurt you at all…but that's beside the point.  The point is…well, there is no point but that doesn't mean that I can't try.

Forever doesn't last as long as you'd think.  Along with everything else, it ends sooner or later whether we like it or not.

I suppose during that year we spent together you would have looked up at me with wide green eyes filled with wonder.  At least, that's what I'd like to think.  Now, I suppose I'm lucky if you're even receiving this.

Although you hate me, we have a stronger connection than you think.  That is, if you haven't completely banished me from your mind.

I wouldn't put it past you.

I fear this is all in vain.  If it is, it's probably my penance for living.  Bearing the pain of every heart I took.  Makes sense.

I often wonder how you are.  Entertaining thoughts of gathering all my power to go down to the material world to see you keeps me occupied most of the time along with your reactions.  Some times you faint, cry, scream, or try to kill me.  Other times you laugh, smile, rush over and hold me in your arms, or cry.  Again.  You always seem to cry.  I wonder why?  Though it keeps me entertained for this brief moment of eternity, I'm too much of a coward to actually do it.

Yes, me, a coward.

…Though I know you know I am and always have been.

I know you hate me thinking that I know you, but this is the only you I know – right or wrong.  It doesn't matter, really.  I'll take you any way.

…And I honestly didn't mean that to sound as perverted as it came out.  Really.  …Okay, well, maybe I did, but still.  While in the midst of forever, I'd give anything to see you again, whether you hated me or not.  Or even remembered me.

…How could you forget, though?

Maybe that hatred will keep me in your heart forever.  I don't think I'd want you to forget me.

Of course, with all things considered, I really have no right to put my wishes before yours.  But I'm selfish now and I always have been.  You know that.  Maybe one day I'll become the Seishirou you thought you knew during that year we spent together.  Maybe one day…but I've got forever ahead of me.

…Though I'd love you to love me again.  I don't see how you could, but it's nice to entertain the thought.

I can't stop thinking of you, I really can't.  Of course, I've never tried stopping, though I know I should.  I should just let go for your sake and mine.

I never did the things I should have, though.

When I said I never meant to hurt you, I wasn't lying.  I know my obsession with you is hurting both of us more than you can ever realize.  My head tells me that I should just move on, but my heart doesn't want to let go.

And yes, Subaru, I do have a heart.  You know, that thing inside of you that pumps blood and keeps you alive?  That's it.  …Scratch that entire previous statement.  Forever is my penance, I can tell that now, but metaphorically speaking or not, I do have a heart.  I just choose not to use it sometimes.  I know you don't believe me – that is, if you've even decided to acknowledge me – but it's true.  I've got forever for these embarrassing confessions, so it's not over yet.

I know I've probably said it before, but I don't blame you for hating me.  In fact, I'd hate me, too.  Hell, I _do_ hate me, but let's just concentrate on you now, shall we?  Sometimes I wonder how we'd be if I never told you about the Bet…if I never killed Hokuto and basically ruined your life.  Would we be living the good life together?  The three of us in a large beach house designed as gaudy as possible by your sister…would we be married?  Would we have kids?  Or maybe we would have had a brief relationship, but decided that things weren't working out.  Would we be happy without the other?  Worse, would I be with Hokuto instead?  I can't imagine being with anyone besides you.  Of course, I never _was_ with anyone, let alone you, but still.  I know I have too much free time on my hands to sit around and think of this stuff, but you have to remember that I have forever.  Maybe we'll grow old and enjoy our grandchildren in my later fantasies.

If all that had actually happened, I would be all in favor of the Dragons of Heaven and saving humanity, but it didn't and now more than ever, I want the Dragons of Earth to triumph.  I know it's terrible in hoping that you'll die soon, but it's what I really want right now.  …Then again, maybe I do want Kamui to save humanity, but have you die sometime.  Isn't it terrible that I'm wishing such things?  I know it is, but it's for a very selfish reason, really.  I just want to spend the rest of forever with you.  Heaven for me, probably Hell for you – we'll strike middle and call it earth.

In a way, I hope you've decided to completely ignore me in all aspects.  Then it'll save me the embarrassment of knowing you actually know what I'm saying to you.

You probably are ignoring me.  For the nth time, I don't blame you, either.  I took away everything that made you happy…but…in the process, I think I lost everything I ever had.

No, I _know_ I did.

I had a great life with you and your sister.  I lost your love by telling you about the Bet…I lost your sister just because she asked me to kill her for some twisted reason no more logical than my own – I basically lost everything including my life, but more importantly, **you**.

I guess what I'm saying is….

…I lost the Bet.

_Owari_

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For my very first Tokyo Babylon/X fic ever (actually, this was a ficlet…or whatever), how was it?  Oo, I always get nervous when writing my first fic for a series, but I really like this one, even if Seishirou _is_ horribly out of character.  Maybe I'll write more of this series…hmm…. Oh...if you're wondering (hey, it's a little unclear to me, too), I suppose Seishirou was trying to "contact" Subaru or something after death. ...Or something....

Forever was originally untitled, but it ended up titling itself!  Don't you love it when fics do that?


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